My
from the people that brought you Howard's Way
Regular fans of The Bill may recognise Rodriguez from his flamboyant emotings as the bipolar policeman Sgt Clitheroe, a role which he has indelicately expressed for seven years. Afraid he may have been becoming typecast, Rodriguez desperately accepted this role based on some vague notion that it might make him 'cool' again, and revive his flagging career. We wish him every success.
After a series of minor roles in Bristol Old Vic's repertory, Henry landed a role alongside sister Sandy in ITV's production of Number 73. After 3 years of making the jam sandwiches, he moved on to become Denmark's second most popular actor (after Sandy) and took minor roles in Bergerac and The Sketch Show. He now plies his trade on Llanelli's street corners, where he passionately reads from Under Milk Wood to a daily audience of drunkards and mitching school kids.
Tarka is a newcomer to the world of television, this being his first major appearance inside of one. He is a child of the Stage, having been raised exclusively by a company of retro-Edwardian players and orators. He was recently awarded the South Bank's prestigious 'Temerity Award' having just completed a stint at the Mancombe Theatre as Martine McCutcheon's understudy in 'My Fair Lady'.
Velma cut her teeth as a curtain manipulator at the Leeds City Varieties Theatre. After fifteen years she had to leave when she developed a severe allergy to velour. Moving from the stage into radio, she took a critically acclaimed role as the deaf mute Wendy Grundy on the Archers, where she still makes guest appearances from time to time. As Giffard Prope's screen wife in the BBC2 sitcom 'Beer Towels', she won the GQ D List Desperate Celebrity Award in 1998, although controversy still remains about whether the low-cut burka she wore for her guest appearance in Big Brother's Little Brother was a qualifying garment.
Nobby began performing at the age of 8, in a production of 'Hold that Shoe' at the People's Theatre, Gravesend. Stardom beckoned, but sadly drink, drugs and boredom soon took hold and by the age of 11 he was incarcerated in a Moroccan prison. Released at the age of 30, Nobby returned to the stage he was at before imprisonment, and decomposition beckoned. However, taken in hand by a street performer, he's very grateful. Other notable TV appearances: BBC 6 o'clock News, Newsnight, Trevor MacDonald Tonight.
Clarab joins us from the world of Gaelic television, where he recently completed filming "Eruligach Ur Aramsea" for BBC Scotland, a Gaelic translation of Queer as Folk, set in Orkney. He also recently gained tabloid notoriety for his one-woman Edinburgh Fringe show, "Not Me", a recursively autonihilistic romp in which he stood in front of an audience for an hour fervently rebuking questions from the audience which implied that that was exactly what he was doing.
Mr Luffert is a trenchant performer, renowned for his professionalism as an actron, and has appeared in numerous award-garnering dramas including The Bill and Casualty. He is currently suffering from acute duodenal dysphasia, and his medical records show that he has been advised to take it easy. However, his records also note that this advice is unlikely, based on past experience, to be heeded, and advises his GP to prepare for the worst.
Simon is a seasoned TV presenter who has indulged in many forgettable daytime TV roles. He was recently propelled to fame, however, for his part in MTVs youthymusefest "Asshole", whose Christmas Special notoriously featured Simon, dressed as Santa, throwing carrier-bagfulls of innocent kittens at ceiling fans whilst a dwarf collected up the feline remains, liquidised them and injected them into his urethra before pissing the foamy-red cat fluid all over Simon's terrified mother that he had previously nailed to a tree.
After three years of being ignored at the
arse-end of Rodneybewsville's a-r-t scene, Grundle, as
Worksopp's second favourite concept artist, recently reemerged
into paints to produce such impalpable oils as 'Pink Plastic',
'This is Not a Word', 'The Transcendental Tardigrade' and 'Let
my mantube spew forth and mutter as my Holy Testes Come For You
(in the night, possibly with a machete)'. In 1999 a misguided
experiment led him to accidentally suck half his brain out
through his left eye socket with a bendy straw. He is now
pursuing a career in acting.
After six breathtaking years playing loveable rogue Tad Germinator in 'Hollyoaks', Bestiality left the show to pursue his dream of producing, directing, writing and starring in a big-screen remake of 'Mastermind'. When this spectacularly failed to get off the ground, he turned his attention to bringing a musical version of 'Pipkins' to the Broadway stage, in which he played the pivotal role of Susan Stranks for eighteen months, to considerable critical acclaim. Bestiality's career was almost ruined in 1997 when he was sent to prison for ten years for second-degree murder after being found drowned in his own swimming pool, but his conviction was quashed six months later when it was revealed that he could swim. The notoriety the court case and subsequent conviction brought him enabled him to land a starring role in 'Hollyoaks' as Tad Germinator's roguish but loveable father, Jed.
After a meteoric career as fluffer and emergency stand-in for Tory MP Darius Van-Dropsy in countless Conservative Party conference revues, Mr Hogg-Sweetly joined the upper echelons of the Novrostry Caviar Export Trading Syndicate following the election in which Mr Van-Dropsy was publicly flayed and fed to mutated Swans. We are pleased to welcome Sylvanius to our cast, in his first starring role, after Alex "The Meathook" Sbritisky insisted we look again at our casting policy.
A former advanced semaphore instructor, masseuse, and skateboard mechanic, Gaufrette has now turned his attentions to the stage. Born without shoulders, Gaufrette's performances are renowned for his pendulous emasculated arms and expert leg gesticulations. Although he still remains most famous for accidentally spoiling the end of Fight Club whilst in conversation with David Kronenberg, we are pleased to welcome him to the ensemble.
Born Tumescent Member, in 1977 he made the decision to change his name after fearing it would be a major bar to landing a potential dream role in the gay porn industry. It proved to be life-changing - barely a year later (after several small parts) Dangling secured the role of Stephen Charlton Wilkinson. The Daily Mail called the performance, "a triumph...Dangling plays Steve with the furious vigour of a young boy masturbating for the first time...truly inspirational stuff." The rest, as we know, is history.
The least convincing, and yet paradoxically the most loved of all the Brady Bunch children, Hiibert was twice voted Pubscent Of The Year 1977. Sub Judiciae, Hiibert exudes a homoerotic malignance that makes him not only the toast of the Balinese death-squad he joined and recently usurped, but leaves him eminently suitable to be pumping mindless trivia into the telly-addled brains of sofa-bound plebs. He has read books one, three and four of La Recherche Du Temps Perdu, possesses an intriguing collection of vestigial organs, and emits a faint odour of Chorizo.
Created through the collision of sub-atomic particles on the M34, Gravy was born at the age of 87, and has been living out her life backwards ever since. After a difficult old age, she settled into the latter years of her fame and very soon became the most recognised face on any cliff. Now, as she enters a more difficult time of obscurity, Gravy finds herself portraying men for embarrassing cash donations, as well as creating and distributing her own line of novelty shoes.
On loan from PSV Verhoevan (where he plays the resident, jobless, 'brain in a collander' Roboyosser) Taffita can be seen cutting a striking figure or stabbing a dandy in libraries across the home counties. Catch him while you can as his biological assets are due to be reclaimed by a tide of raw alcohol later this autumn. Voted 'Mostest Valuablest Playerism' in this months US edition of "Newer Yorkiest Post".